Today was an extremely difficult day. I'm trying to wrap my head around the death of a friend. I've had friends pass in tragic and untimely ways before such as accidents and health problems, but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with the fresh devastation of a new loss. I feel like now is not the time to delve into the details of Craig's death. I don't think I'll ever understand why he took his life. Regardless of reason or speculation, he was my friend and I will miss him very much. Craig would cheer me up when I was down, have my back if someone wronged me and made sure I was alright after my accident last year. While we worked together, we bonded over bitching about a couple people who left all the work to us and our love of football. He was a huge Redskins fan. I'm talking a 'Giant-ass-tattoo-on-his-forearm" fan. I'm glad I got to see him often. After the job we had went out of business, he switched to a similar job and frequently would deliver food to the girls and myself at the salon. I'd get the biggest smile when he would walk in and he'd pull me into a bear hug. Every time. I will cherish that.
I'm grateful in this time for the girls at work. I went in today a mere 10 sleepless hours after receiving this news for my shift at work. I feel like it's starting to set in now that he's gone, but as I walked into work..well I don't know..I felt surreal. The kindness of the two people I opened up to when asked what was wrong was a Godsend. My boss kindly sent me home with a big hug and thoughtful smile. Upon getting home and failing to fall asleep, I decided I needed to hold something cuddly. I needed some good juju so I headed to the local Humane Society to hang out with some critters. I spent three hours there walking numerous dogs, playing with little kittens, found the ugliest cat there and took a picture of it, played with guinea pigs and my favorite animal of the day.. a white and black rat about the size of a 20oz bottle of soda. He was awesome. This little unnamed rat sat on my arm for a few seconds before making is way up to my shoulder and cuddled up against my neck where he promptly fell asleep. It was a very calming and adorable gesture. I've never much been a person who wanted a pet with the exception of the guinea pig I had for 7 years as a teenager, but I truly value whatever it is about animals that can heal ones soul. I surely haven't grieved Craig's death by any means yet, but I have certainly had the chance for some animals to show unconditional love in return for a scratch behind their ear and, well, that's a start.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you or a loved one is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call a hotline. Sometimes talking to a stranger is the most freeing thing in the world. That's half the reason why I started blogging. I wanted to get out my feelings without fear of judgement.
National Suicide Hotlines USA
United States of America
Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255
Deaf Hotline
1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Veteran Crisis Line
1-800-273-8255 & Press 1 or Send a text message to 838255
Many of these lines offer phone lines, texts and online mediums to be available to those in need. As well as multiple languages so everyone can have the same access to help.
Also check out:
http://twloha.com/
To Write Love On Her Arms encourages community, hope, dreams, overcoming fears and music as coping skills for people struggling with depression, drug & alcohol addiction, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. As well as for the loved ones of the people suffering. This site is for EVERY PERSON. I've had my own demons to fight and TWLOHA has been a beacon of hope for me. Every struggle I go through, I look down at the 'Love' tattoo I have on my arm as a reminder of what I've survived and the people who helped me get to where I am today.
You are loved.
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