Solace in Abandonment

I would like to share with you a short poem I wrote on 09/17/2009. I was inspired after finding a pleasant field a few miles outside of the city in which I live. There were innumerable lightning bugs and frogs croaking in the dark. I loved that field at first sight. I still visit it on summer nights when I need inspiration. It's where I re-charge. It's where I find my strength when I am weak. It's the most special place I know to connect with nature. This poem of mine has remained one of my favorites over the years. I posted the original version to my Facebook three months after I first jotted it down on a napkin. What I'm sharing with you now is a revised version. Same meaning, same feeling, just a bit more streamlined. This version represents my writing style and how it has evolved over the last 4 years. I hope you enjoy and please feel free to let me know what you think. I love hearing feedback. With that I give you:

Solace in Abandonment
by Gayle Johnson 09/17/2009 (06/03/2013)

Gentle, living embers dim as they sink from the night sky, illuminating a field of wheat. Wind gusts gently through a young woman's hair. Her eyes shine like jewels, eager to witness what will follow. What will these fireflies aura display next? She cant help but to glory in the comforting warmth while poised directly in the middle of this seemingly magical farmland. She wishes not to retire back to the city, but to revel in this satisfying peace indefinitely. She is home.

First they get you high, then they say whats up to a higher power. what?

I love when I catch contradictions  What can I say? I get a kick out of it. The other day I received an email from Bandsintown letting me know about some upcoming events. In this email, there were two events over the summer with the band The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. You know, the band everyone knew for the song "Face Down" and pretty much nothing else since. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed their music and went to see them live in 2009 with Hollywood Undead. I enjoyed myself at the show and probably partied a little too hard. Let me tell you about what I feel is a massive contradiction.
At that 2009 outdoor show during RJA's set, the chubby guitarist was smoking a blunt worthy of Snoop Dogg. Bro was toking up and passing it around some of the people in the front row. I mean, that's not completely unheard of. I've seen this happen countless times at shows. People don't give a fuck. After the show, the guys were happy to allow anyone who was down to party to join them as long as they were a hot chick.  What I think is hilarious is what my email said the other day. Two RJA shows in my area in the next few months. The first was a couple nights ago at a local night club. Okay, cool. Nothing unusual there. What caught my attention was the second local date. They will be playing at Lifelight in September. For those of you who might not catch the irony right away, let me catch you up to speed. Lifelight is an annual Christian music festival. I repeat. A Christian music festival. Doesn't quite add up. I understand that people and bands change and evolve, but I have a difficult time seeing a band who behaved so radically in one way, playing a show at an event where the exact opposite is preached. I guess we'll just have to ride it out and see what happens.

Frustration

I've been feeling very conflicted lately. My dad is easily my favorite person in the world. I'm a Daddy's Girl to the T. I've never been able to keep things from him, even if I tried to keep something like a birthday present from him. That changed  few years ago. There is something that I've been wanting to talk with him about that no matter how hard I try....I can't. I've thought about just writing everything I'd like to say and have him read it but I can't even get my thoughts written down fluidly. I must have tried a couple hundred times. It makes me so mad that one thing can shake up everything so much. How do I over come this? I want to be able to talk about it and write clearly about it. I want to desperately. I need to get this off my chest and stop lying to my dad. Even though I'm not lying to him about anything, I'm not telling him about anything. That's lying by omission in my book. I don't know. I'm super frustrated. Grrrrrr.

RANT: Light Sleeper Roommate.

I like my roommate. We can talk about random things and goof around...but I have a huge pet peeve with her. She is the lightest sleeper in the goddamn world!! I can be two floors below her talking on the phone or like tonight, bringing in my fucking groceries 25 minutes after I got off work. I either get passive aggressive texts or her being aggressive in person telling/asking me to "keep it down", "stop doing what I'm doing" or my favorite "turn it down a notch." Is she for real?! I understand that she is sleeping so I actively walk around this old creaky house as lightly as possible & try to keep my tasks as quiet as possible. For example, tonight, I put my groceries away super quickly & left half of the stuff in the bags to deal with tomorrow. I limit all tv and Internet use to the living room two levels down. I go out of my way to please her which is evidently impossible. Now, on the flip side, she has woken me up no less than 8 times in the past 7 days. She is aware of my sleep schedule. Guess what I do when she wakes me up?! Absolutely nothing!! Wait, sorry, that's a lie... I roll the fuck over and go back to sleep!!! I haven't once mentioned it to her or my other two roommates because its not a big fucking deal. She needs to grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her every need & that she needs to learn how to pick her battles. THAT or she needs to buy a bottle of fucking sleeping pills.

Good Night & Good Luck

I'm afraid to go back to sleep. I'm intimidated in a way nearly indescribable. I just was startled awake by a dream so realistic, I was sure it was corporeal. You know those dreams, the ones that terrorize your otherwise tranquil night, waking you into a scary state of uncertainty as to what is real or imagined. Visions capable of causing you to wake up in a cold sweat, attempting to catch your breath. I sit here under the dull light of my lamp while staring at my keyboard. I feel the need to both write down the anguish of this disturbing nightmare & to also cast it into a deep chasm of my mind to forget its creation ever transpired.

How is it our subconsciousness can create fantasy worlds capable of haunting us? Is it to keep our bodies & minds conditioned to handle trauma and ill-fortune? Is it a random event or do the dream dictionaries have a degree of merit? Why is it dreams can be so vivid one day, then you can go extended periods of time without remembering a single one? My dreams have gotten increasingly stronger and more present in the last few years after several traumatic events have taken place in my life. Is it safe to assume there is a link there? I would imagine so considering those events have been the content of many of my night tremors.

I am internally confused, intrigued and unsettled by the idea of tiny movies playing out in my mind every single night without my control. It's an odd and beautiful thing.

Goodnight,
Gayle

Despite my downfalls, I remain hopeful.

I thought often after getting struck by that SUV last year that I wished I didn't make it. But as I got better and was able to leave the house, and see friends, it got easier to handle. I rarely think that way anymore. My pain will be with me for a very long time. Maybe lifelong, but I pray I will have the grace to handle it and an open heart to help others from it. Thanks to the people who have supported me over the past 13 months or so. I know I've made great strides, but I still could really use your help and encouragement. It's what helps me through the painful days. In the last week alone I have had 9 back spasms, lasting between 5 and 40 minutes each, almost consistent crippling pain in my leg from the neuropathy & suffered another concussion last weekend. It's difficult but I know I wasn't given more than I can handle. What I've learned is life is short & pain is real so it's massively important to love, help others & live a life you can be proud of.

Goodbye Laboratory 108, Hello Awesomesauce!

So a lot has changed in the last few weeks! I've started working a little bit again, despite still having major pain and muscle spasms. It's a fun job that allows me to organize and take care of people. Two of my favorite things! Plus I get to look at a lot of eye candy. ;) However, that's not what I opened this browser to talk about.
I recently moved out of my first apartment known as Laboratory 108. I started off with a really shitty roommate. She was the main bitch and never lifted a finger. Hence her extremely profane nickname, McCuntslut. I'm proud of that one! For the first several months, even though I was severely injured and limited from my accident, I was the only one who would take out trash, wash dishes or clean the shared living spaces. Luckily, I have great friends who were willing to help so I wouldn't hurt worse. McCuntslut would also play her music loudly, give me death stares and prance around like she owned the place. We went in 50/50, bitch can suck it. Between all of the drama and bullshit, I temporarily moved back in with my mom for a couple months, but still paid rent. F that. I was tired of her running the place and using my shit. That's when shit really hit the fan. I moved back in and made myself present! I stayed in the living room 24/7 which was fine by me. My back is better when I sleep on my couch anyways. I cooked all the time, I had guests over as much as possible. I lived how I would if I lived alone. Of course she retaliated, but the day she did, my mom happened to come over to pick me up for a doctors appointment for an EMG. (HOLY FUCKING PAINFUL!) Anyways, McCuntslut decided to turn her music on as LOUD as possible at 7:30am. My mom showed up at 9:45am and could hear it from the parking lot. Our apartment was on the back of the building, on the opposite from where she parked & all our windows were closed. It was that loud. Needless to say, my mom understood mine, and my neighbors frustration. She came in and walked up to McCuntslut (who had fucking headphones on!! What?!), pulled off her giant headphones and told her damn politely to turn it down & respect the neighbors. She responded that it was her apartment, not my moms and that she was getting back at me for waking her up at 12:30am that morning by being loud.....which is funny seeing as I was with the guy I had kind of been seeing all night because I was nervous about my looming EMG. I didn't get home until 5 or 5:30am. So bitch be crazy. Of course, I couldn't keep my mouth shut because I'm a typical girl. So I started defending myself and it turned into a giant screaming match. I'm so grateful my mom was there to referee. It got UGLY. Damn was I happy we fought though! She agreed to move the fuck out!!!! The next couple days as she moved her stuff out was a little awkward but I managed. Hell, she was leaving!
It was perfect timing too because my best friends lease expired the next week. So, BOOM! Insta-roommate. Having Justin move in was amazing. A lot of my stress was lifted by not needing to walk on eggshells and having help around the house. We joked, watched Netflix and had friends over. We got drunk at the bar watching football and came home to make pasta and cheese bread on Thanksgiving. He gave me Crown and two Crown glasses for Christmas. If I had a back spasm, he'd bring me my ice pack. It was great living there with a sane person. A real turn around experience!
That chapter is now closed. My cozy little two bedroom apartment with annoying upstairs neighbors has drawn to an end. Goodbye, Lab 108! Now I'm living in a house with 3 other people. I've yet to name this house but our WiFi name is Awesomesauce, so for now, "Hello, Awesomesauce."
Awesomesauce is off to a fun start. Our initials spell out 'Stag' so I'm sure that will be incorporated into the name. Well, because this is South Dakota, we went from shorts and dress weather on Sunday, and a giant ice storm on Tuesday. Wednesday was for surveying the hundreds of trees down across the city, blocking roads and knocking out power for well over 20,000 residents. Now today is Thursday and we woke up to well over 6 inches of snow, with at least another 4 expected. At my house, there are trees on my roof, and a tree fell on my car. I'm not too pissed, I drive a piece of shit. as long as it runs and the windows don't bust, I'll be fine lol. I am a little upset that it cracked my side mirror though. I drove it yesterday and boy was that strange. I should probably stop writing, I have a fuck ton of snow to help shovel. Keep it classy guys! I'll tell more stories later. :)

*Oh and if I ever have stupid spelling or grammar errors, please know that I write in a stream of consciousness and rarely re-read what I write before I post it.