bully snap

What is it that causes a person to snap? I knew a girl, Molly, who was consistently happy, loving and full of life. She didn't judge people and was there for her friends. Then out of the blue, she was distant, off putting, closed off and complained whenever other people complained. She went as far as to accuse people of being hypocrites without knowing the situation. Another of our friends, Kylie, recently got a new tattoo on her hip and some killer new heals. Now this girl is dead broke, more so than me lol. Molly jumped to conclusions and accused this poor girl of poor money management and told her to spend her money more wisely before she spent it on heals and tattoos. Little did she know, Kylies tattoo was bought with a gift certificate she got for her birthday and the heals were found at a rummage sale for 3 dollars.
I know Molly must have gone through something for her attitude to shift so suddenly and boldly, but I don't know what it was. All I know is that she is turning into a bully and I don't like what I see. I wish I could help her. If only she seemed to want it....

Tough Day: Surviving the Bullshit.

I felt like a lesser version of myself today. I have a past of anger, aggression and being easily hurt. I used my anger as a twisted coping method. Over the better part of my life, roughly 17 years, I took out my problems in very negative ways. I hurt myself physically, mentally and emotionally. At a week shy of seventeen I thought the solution was suicide. I locked myself in the bathroom and prepared to say goodbye to the harsh world I was living in. Recalling the head space I was in, just to write this, is bringing me to tears. I was ready to get rid of my childhood abuser, the multitude of bullies who wrote on my locker, cut my hair and said they wished I was dead already. I was tired of my divorced parents bickering and belittling each other to make the other look better. It would always start like, "I don't want to talk badly about your mom/dad but when they do this...." I was missing my brother who was off in the military. I was alone. That was the worst feeling in the world.

Before the attempted suicide, I would ball up all that hatred and project it on others. I would curse at my teachers, throw things, threaten peers who bullied me. I stood up for myself, I protected myself. In the worst way. I didn't understand how my attitude was perpetuating all of that ire. I just knew how great it felt to release it onto another person. I found a sick joy out of seeing other people hurt because for that fraction of a moment, it wasn't me. I wasn't the one in pain.

After the failed attempt (which I now prefer to think of as a 'Success at Life') I was institutionalized for depression, severe anger and lack of rationalizing what inappropriate behavior was. I spent months in a high security facility hours away from my home. 

During that time I was continuously monitored and corrected when incorrect behavior was used. Positive behavior was also reinforced with rewards. I had an amazing ex-military woman as my mentor. She helped me learn things about myself that I had no idea I possessed. By closely examining my life up until that point I was able to link where I was learning the bad in life and not seeing any good to balance it out. I was finding pieces to a puzzle that I didn't know were missing. 

While learning valuable life lessons. I started to see the good in people and life. I learned about true inner beauty. I learned about what it means to care about someone, not because you know or like them, but because it is my job as a human being.

I've spent the last 6 years of my life applying those lessons. It's difficult sometimes to see the good in others or to put differences aside. I have improved beyond measure in this area. A fleeting questionable look from across the room would put me into full blown 'Bitch, I'm going to set you straight' mood. Now, it takes a lot to push my buttons and when pushed, the reaction is a grain of said compared to all the Earths beaches one would've gotten when I was 15. 

I'm not proud of what I did in my past. That being said, I am proud of the amazing strides I have made, despite a couple traumatizing setbacks, over the past six years. I'm proud that I've been able to keep my cool for months at a time and when I do get upset, it's solved by a half hour cruising in my car. I'm proud that I can walk away from a situation. 

That's what I attempted to do today. I felt attacked by a person I deal with often. It's nothing new, I'm constantly belittled by this person. They make snide remarks to me, are not afraid to rip me a new one with their opinions, but refuse to hear me out. I believe I am capable to make a positive difference in what we do but I am undervalued and over ridiculed. Today I had enough and excused myself to have a breather. I openly expressed that I needed to exit the situation to calm down. 

My private space was disrespected severely and I became old me for a split second. It was mortifying. It was over as soon as it started. I realized what I had done the mili-second I said it. I am ashamed of myself for that nano second of time. However, I'm extremely happy that I realized that. That shows amazing growth. The fact that I can acknowledge that I was attacked and my response was totally uncalled for shows that I can be accountable for my mistakes. I was prepared for whatever punishment I would get, and thankfully, I can live with it. 

I guess the whole point of this story can be summed up by something my mom said today when I called her about what happened. She said*paraphrased*: "Life is all about learning. You make mistakes and you grow from them so you can help others." Then she said something I wasn't expecting. I expected her to be very disappointed in me. She showed me wrong. She said: "Gayle, you have been to Hell in your life, I'm proud of how you've dealt with everything and the person you've became. Others benefit from hard lessons you've learned that I'm just now learning. What you did today was unfavorable, but you did the right thing. You exited the situation, I'm surprised that the person who followed you only got an F-bomb." :)

It's all about how you learn and move on. For me, I acknowledge what emotions I was going through, the actions I took, and what I need to do in the future. Now that I've processed my feelings, I can sleep peacefully and prepare to walk back into the lions den tomorrow. 

As usual, I'm not going to re-read or edit this. These are my feelings and personal situations. I know some details are vague, and that's alright. I just needed to let some thoughts off my mind. Thank you. -Gayle

Changes

So a lot has happened in the last few days. I won't discuss the dirty details as such would take far to long. "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Tomorrow will be a long day so I better rest up...I do need to get some bullet points off my mind first.

* I've had allies turn sour, and unexpected acquaintances turn to strong supporters.
* I faced a scary doctor appointment to get the best-worst case scenario in regards to an aspect of my health.
* I will have to continue to monitor this diagnosis closely for some time.
* I've traveled a few hundred miles to pick up a car my brother passed down to me due to his moving to Asia.
* My "girls" made it on The Chive! (FLBP of course)
* I am very 'nervous' about my doctors appointment tomorrow to re-evaluate my nerve damage from the hit and run.
* Yes, I made a pun out of that last bullet point. It made me smirk.
* By the time I get to my appointment tomorrow, I will have been from the North side of my state to the South side in less than 24 hours.
* That isn't impressive if you drive straight through, but considering I live in the middle and will be doing it over the course of two afternoons, it's pretty cool.
* By the time I get back home, I'd have driven the N/S interstate twice! :)
* I'm a lucky girl. I have friends, family and a wonderful boyfriend who all care about me and I just adore.
* Even though life isn't perfect and times are extremely difficult for me right now, I'll always find a way to smile.

Night.

Compliments and Generosity

Do you see yourself as someone deserving of compliments? Do you light up and beam a smile when receiving a compliment or are you inclined to become nervous and reject it?

As a teenager, I was absolutely the kind to put my head down and think a person was surely wrong for saying a nice encouragement to me. I didn't feel worthy of feeling liked by another person. My self confidence was shot down in my youth by family members telling me I was a stupid bitch and classmates telling me they 'hated me because I was ugly'. So in my teen years it was no wonder why I'd be suspicious of being told my long hair was pretty or was good at math. I was convinced that this was a new tactic for the bullies to hurt me. I was sure they were lying to me and the moment I believed them, they would make fun of me for buying it. I wasn't about to let them win! When in reality, I was the one losing. I learned that paranoia over 15 years and boy did it grow into something fierce!

In my life today, I get the most satisfying joy when I compliment others. I love seeing the looks on peoples faces when I tell them I like their shirt, makeup, handwriting. Anything really. It's important to note that I never give out false compliments. I feel that it is vital to be truthful and intentional every single time. That gives me some wiggle room for some really weird compliments at times. I'll leave that to your imagination. *Upon thinking about that, it sounds like that could be dirty...it wasn't meant to be, but I'm leaving it in!* ;)

Superficial praises like the previously mentioned ones are usually well received but my favorite compliments to give to people are ones that reflect them as they are as a person. Complimenting someones intelligence, aptitude at their job, consideration, wisdom is what I do most. I want people to know when I'm grateful for what they bring to the table just for being themselves and their accomplishments.

I do such because I feel appreciative when another person says something of that nature to me. I want other people to have the chance to have that same feeling!! I have had several occasions where a honest compliment has completely turned around a bad day for me. You never know the mindset a person is in and what saying something nice could mean to them.

By what means did I make that leap? The contrast of the 15 year old me who loathed giving and getting compliments to the 23 year old me who loves being told nice things and can't help but to share positive opinions I hold of people. I can actually pinpoint the exact people who showed me the importance of kindness. They were two of my favorite teachers I've ever had the pleasure of being their in their classroom. Mrs. Ward-Maguire and Mrs. Bussa. These are two women who manifest what it means to be an outstanding teacher. I can say that honestly without fear of being called a Kiss-ass, seeing as its been 7 years since I've been their student and can't receive retroactive extra credit.

Mrs. WM & Mrs. B were the best at handing out encouragement. These women had the task of working with teenagers who were, for a lack of better words, shitheads. I can say that because I was one of them! A lot of us acted out because of problems at school, troubled home lives, substance abuse and other harms to ourselves. None of us really had the confidence in ourselves to think we were capable of being more than the kids who had to go down the hallway to be in a class of ten instead of thirty. It had the stigma as being the "troubled kids class."

Those stereotypes can kiss my ass. It was the best time and use I ever garnered from high school. I get emotional when I think about what those two did for me all through the power of positive word. From long talks and feeling free to ask questions I trusted these two.

Mrs. B was exemplary at complimenting me every day on something random about my appearance and meaning it. Be it my "artwork jeans" or smile. Mrs. B kick started my brain to believe that I was beautiful and assisted my confidence to walk through life with my head held high. She taught me that when people complimented me, they truly meant it and said it for the purpose of making me happy. I learned that it was okay to accept this and equate it with a nice feeling. That's so astounding to me to look back and see what a difference that has made in my life.

Mrs. WM had a proclivity for praising me for what I did, or in some cases didn't do. I would walk into class and beam when I would see a piece of paper on my desk. Upon further inspection finding it to be a lady bug note saying, "50 days!! Great job! I'm proud of you:)." It isn't a stretch to say Mrs. WM is one of the reasons why I blog and share my writing to this day. I have always had a propensity to write but I didn't think I was any good. Probably the most meaningful compliments to me where the ones she would tell me how she felt about my writing. A specific note on top of an essay I wrote said, "Excellent! You should consider writing for teens!" That encouraged me to share my writing with others and not be afraid to put my real feelings out there. To be brave enough not edit it to something I thought people would like. How freeing!

It's crazy to imagine how different my life may be had I not had the opportunity to know those ladies! Would I be the woman I am today? Or maybe a twisted adult version of that kid I once was. I don't even want to think about that!

I know countless people, things and life events have molded who I am today but this topic has been tugging on my heartstrings for quite a long time. Thanks to things such as my bad accident last year and all these crazy stories you hear about on the news, I feel it's massively important to share with people how they've made positive impacts in my life.

To Mrs WM & Mrs. B,
You both have impacted my life for the better. I carry your lessons and advice with me always and think of you often. You are amazing role models and I am grateful that you share your strengths with the world. So many people have been touched by your humanity and not just the students you've taught, but the people they've met and so on many times over. Kind of like a tree. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me grow my roots. :)

Gayle.

Reflection. Pain. Sadness. Hope. Courage.

Today was an extremely difficult day. I'm trying to wrap my head around the death of a friend. I've had friends pass in tragic and untimely ways before such as accidents and health problems, but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with the fresh devastation of a new loss. I feel like now is not the time to delve into the details of Craig's death. I don't think I'll ever understand why he took his life. Regardless of reason or speculation, he was my friend and I will miss him very much. Craig would cheer me up when I was down, have my back if someone wronged me and made sure I was alright after my accident last year. While we worked together, we bonded over bitching about a couple people who left all the work to us and our love of football. He was a huge Redskins fan. I'm talking a 'Giant-ass-tattoo-on-his-forearm" fan. I'm glad I got to see him often. After the job we had went out of business, he switched to a similar job and frequently would deliver food to the girls and myself at the salon. I'd get the biggest smile when he would walk in and he'd pull me into a bear hug. Every time. I will cherish that.

I'm grateful in this time for the girls at work. I went in today a mere 10 sleepless hours after receiving this news for my shift at work. I feel like it's starting to set in now that he's gone, but as I walked into work..well I don't know..I felt surreal. The kindness of the two people I opened up to when asked what was wrong was a Godsend. My boss kindly sent me home with a big hug and thoughtful smile. Upon getting home and failing to fall asleep, I decided I needed to hold something cuddly. I needed some good juju so I headed to the local Humane Society to hang out with some critters. I spent three hours there walking numerous dogs, playing with little kittens, found the ugliest cat there and took a picture of it, played with guinea pigs and my favorite animal of the day.. a white and black rat about the size of a 20oz bottle of soda. He was awesome. This little unnamed rat sat on my arm for a few seconds before making is way up to my shoulder and cuddled up against my neck where he promptly fell asleep. It was a very calming and adorable gesture. I've never much been a person who wanted a pet with the exception of the guinea pig I had for 7 years as a teenager, but I truly value whatever it is about animals that can heal ones soul. I surely haven't grieved Craig's death by any means yet, but I have certainly had the chance for some animals to show unconditional love in return for a scratch behind their ear and, well, that's a start.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you or a loved one is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call a hotline. Sometimes talking to a stranger is the most freeing thing in the world. That's half the reason why I started blogging. I wanted to get out my feelings without fear of judgement.

National Suicide Hotlines USA 

United States of America

Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-TALK 1-800-273-8255
Deaf Hotline 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Veteran Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255 & Press 1 or Send a text message to 838255
Many of these lines offer phone lines, texts and online mediums to be available to those in need. As well as multiple languages so everyone can have the same access to help. 
Also check out: http://twloha.com/  To Write Love On Her Arms encourages community, hope, dreams, overcoming fears and music as coping skills for people struggling with depression, drug & alcohol addiction, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. As well as for the loved ones of the people suffering. This site is for EVERY PERSON. I've had my own demons to fight and TWLOHA has been a beacon of hope for me. Every struggle I go through, I look down at the 'Love' tattoo I have on my arm as a reminder of what I've survived and the people who helped me get to where I am today. 
You are loved.

The Struggle of Hope

Hope. What a tricky little word. A friend of mine sent me a text today saying they were running low on hope. Thinking about my own life there are many occurrences where hope has elicited several different thoughts and feelings from me. Hope really is a "four letter word."

When I was a kid, hope was a rampant imagination - hell bent on escaping my tormented reality. Hope was my wish and my answer. I wished for someone to hear my screams. I wished for my teachers to ask me about my bruises. I wished for it all to stop. I sat on the playground hoping for a better future. Hoping to feel like a person rather than an object. I had hope that the bullies at school and at home would get bored. I hoped for it to stop. I had a sliver of hope, just enough to keep me going.
In my late teen years, my hope was diminished. I didn't want to live in a place where an innocent child could grow up to see the terrors I had seen. I had no hope for a way out, thankfully, someone else did. When I was running low on that four letter word, another person borrowed some to me. In fact several came together to do so.
I'll tell you what, I flourished! I did everything in my power to spread hope, love, kindness and humor to any person I met.
Then in an instant it was all gone.I hoped it was all a terrible lie.
I found myself a victim with no voice, no strength and no hope. Well, not the way you would expect. I hoped I would be shown the mercy of the blade pressed across my throat. I hoped I would not have to suffer. Now I just hope to forget.
Now as I'm in my early to mid twenties I have had amazing friendships, a car accident, misguided relationships, as well as truly great ones, deaths of loved ones and a chance for a fresh start. I hope to figure as much of life out as I'm meant to. I hope to learn from past mistakes, betrayals and celebrations.
I don't think people realized how much hope really hurts. It has been known to rip out my entire soul and throw it to the dogs. In order for hope to exist there needs to be something terrible for it to manifest that wishful feeling. In order to experience the fruit of the hope, you need to overcome tragedy.
This sick fact makes me question each person I meet. What makes them happy? Surely it's impossible to have a perfect life with no instances of pain or suffering. It makes me wonder if the happiest people have seen the worst terrors and therefore know the most satisfying feeling of making it out through the other side?
What can I learn from these people?
In turn, what can I do for others through this?
I understand that I broke a ton of writing rules by typing 'Hope' nearly 30 times, but I think it's necessary to get my feelings across.
 There is another entirely different feeling that I associate with hope that I originally 'hoped' to write about. I can't seem too, I think it would be more appropriate for me to discuss that another time.

If you take one thing from this today, please let it be this;
       Hope is incredibly strong, it can be the glue that holds someone together. If you have good intentions then please spread hope anywhere you can. However if you are unsure of your intent, I beg of you to think twice. For false hope can tear someone apart faster and harder than anything else in this world.

Solace in Abandonment

I would like to share with you a short poem I wrote on 09/17/2009. I was inspired after finding a pleasant field a few miles outside of the city in which I live. There were innumerable lightning bugs and frogs croaking in the dark. I loved that field at first sight. I still visit it on summer nights when I need inspiration. It's where I re-charge. It's where I find my strength when I am weak. It's the most special place I know to connect with nature. This poem of mine has remained one of my favorites over the years. I posted the original version to my Facebook three months after I first jotted it down on a napkin. What I'm sharing with you now is a revised version. Same meaning, same feeling, just a bit more streamlined. This version represents my writing style and how it has evolved over the last 4 years. I hope you enjoy and please feel free to let me know what you think. I love hearing feedback. With that I give you:

Solace in Abandonment
by Gayle Johnson 09/17/2009 (06/03/2013)

Gentle, living embers dim as they sink from the night sky, illuminating a field of wheat. Wind gusts gently through a young woman's hair. Her eyes shine like jewels, eager to witness what will follow. What will these fireflies aura display next? She cant help but to glory in the comforting warmth while poised directly in the middle of this seemingly magical farmland. She wishes not to retire back to the city, but to revel in this satisfying peace indefinitely. She is home.