Despite my downfalls, I remain hopeful.

I thought often after getting struck by that SUV last year that I wished I didn't make it. But as I got better and was able to leave the house, and see friends, it got easier to handle. I rarely think that way anymore. My pain will be with me for a very long time. Maybe lifelong, but I pray I will have the grace to handle it and an open heart to help others from it. Thanks to the people who have supported me over the past 13 months or so. I know I've made great strides, but I still could really use your help and encouragement. It's what helps me through the painful days. In the last week alone I have had 9 back spasms, lasting between 5 and 40 minutes each, almost consistent crippling pain in my leg from the neuropathy & suffered another concussion last weekend. It's difficult but I know I wasn't given more than I can handle. What I've learned is life is short & pain is real so it's massively important to love, help others & live a life you can be proud of.

Goodbye Laboratory 108, Hello Awesomesauce!

So a lot has changed in the last few weeks! I've started working a little bit again, despite still having major pain and muscle spasms. It's a fun job that allows me to organize and take care of people. Two of my favorite things! Plus I get to look at a lot of eye candy. ;) However, that's not what I opened this browser to talk about.
I recently moved out of my first apartment known as Laboratory 108. I started off with a really shitty roommate. She was the main bitch and never lifted a finger. Hence her extremely profane nickname, McCuntslut. I'm proud of that one! For the first several months, even though I was severely injured and limited from my accident, I was the only one who would take out trash, wash dishes or clean the shared living spaces. Luckily, I have great friends who were willing to help so I wouldn't hurt worse. McCuntslut would also play her music loudly, give me death stares and prance around like she owned the place. We went in 50/50, bitch can suck it. Between all of the drama and bullshit, I temporarily moved back in with my mom for a couple months, but still paid rent. F that. I was tired of her running the place and using my shit. That's when shit really hit the fan. I moved back in and made myself present! I stayed in the living room 24/7 which was fine by me. My back is better when I sleep on my couch anyways. I cooked all the time, I had guests over as much as possible. I lived how I would if I lived alone. Of course she retaliated, but the day she did, my mom happened to come over to pick me up for a doctors appointment for an EMG. (HOLY FUCKING PAINFUL!) Anyways, McCuntslut decided to turn her music on as LOUD as possible at 7:30am. My mom showed up at 9:45am and could hear it from the parking lot. Our apartment was on the back of the building, on the opposite from where she parked & all our windows were closed. It was that loud. Needless to say, my mom understood mine, and my neighbors frustration. She came in and walked up to McCuntslut (who had fucking headphones on!! What?!), pulled off her giant headphones and told her damn politely to turn it down & respect the neighbors. She responded that it was her apartment, not my moms and that she was getting back at me for waking her up at 12:30am that morning by being loud.....which is funny seeing as I was with the guy I had kind of been seeing all night because I was nervous about my looming EMG. I didn't get home until 5 or 5:30am. So bitch be crazy. Of course, I couldn't keep my mouth shut because I'm a typical girl. So I started defending myself and it turned into a giant screaming match. I'm so grateful my mom was there to referee. It got UGLY. Damn was I happy we fought though! She agreed to move the fuck out!!!! The next couple days as she moved her stuff out was a little awkward but I managed. Hell, she was leaving!
It was perfect timing too because my best friends lease expired the next week. So, BOOM! Insta-roommate. Having Justin move in was amazing. A lot of my stress was lifted by not needing to walk on eggshells and having help around the house. We joked, watched Netflix and had friends over. We got drunk at the bar watching football and came home to make pasta and cheese bread on Thanksgiving. He gave me Crown and two Crown glasses for Christmas. If I had a back spasm, he'd bring me my ice pack. It was great living there with a sane person. A real turn around experience!
That chapter is now closed. My cozy little two bedroom apartment with annoying upstairs neighbors has drawn to an end. Goodbye, Lab 108! Now I'm living in a house with 3 other people. I've yet to name this house but our WiFi name is Awesomesauce, so for now, "Hello, Awesomesauce."
Awesomesauce is off to a fun start. Our initials spell out 'Stag' so I'm sure that will be incorporated into the name. Well, because this is South Dakota, we went from shorts and dress weather on Sunday, and a giant ice storm on Tuesday. Wednesday was for surveying the hundreds of trees down across the city, blocking roads and knocking out power for well over 20,000 residents. Now today is Thursday and we woke up to well over 6 inches of snow, with at least another 4 expected. At my house, there are trees on my roof, and a tree fell on my car. I'm not too pissed, I drive a piece of shit. as long as it runs and the windows don't bust, I'll be fine lol. I am a little upset that it cracked my side mirror though. I drove it yesterday and boy was that strange. I should probably stop writing, I have a fuck ton of snow to help shovel. Keep it classy guys! I'll tell more stories later. :)

*Oh and if I ever have stupid spelling or grammar errors, please know that I write in a stream of consciousness and rarely re-read what I write before I post it.

It's been a tough 365

Exactly one year ago today I was a sober pedestrian struck by a drunk driver and left in the road to fend for myself. I had physical injuries that still render me useless on days due to mind numbing neuropathy. I can count the days in which I haven't had nightmares replaying the accident on my fingers and toes over the last 365 days. Many times in public, I act as though nothing is wrong. Partly for you not to worry & partly because I'm so sick of it that I use your distraction to get me out of my mindset and have a good time. I'm not going to let this define me negatively. It was a HUGE event that will affect me for a lifetime, but I'm determined to make it a positive one. I've learned strength, courage, perseverance, how to push past my limits and I've learned that things happen to make your dreams change & you have to accept it and modify them accordingly. There are still so many things I can't do yet but I have hope that over the years that'll change. I was going to stay in all day in my bubble of an apartment. That's crazy!! That would be letting this day win! No way. I'm going to win. So I decided to attempt one of my all time favorite activities today with a wonderful friend. I promised myself I'd celebrate my improvements and miracle of life today, but not push myself too hard. Please be safe tonight & do not take risks behind the wheel!! With that being said, I'm running late to get to the ice rink;)

**Update**
I only made it about 15 or 20 minutes skating and am in pain. However I expected that, and made sure not to push myself. I'm glad I went!!

St. Patty's Day can suck a dick.

I hate that none of my friends are accepting that I don't want to go drinking tonight for St. Patty's. Last year on St. Patty's I was sober and was run over by a drunk driver. So, no thanks, not going out for shit tonight. No drinking, no DDing. Just sucks that my friends who know all about the struggle and physical & emotional pain I've gone through, can't understand that I'm serious about staying in. Shit!

The Painter

There once was a painter. Noble, caring, inquisitive and a bit eccentric. The painter was a gentle man. He stood statuesque whilst only his eyes moved as he observed others interactions. Being an introverted man, he desperately wanted to understand his peers and how they communicated with one another. The painter towered over his companions, lanky and still. Not dissimilar to a Poplar tree used to line a drive-in movie theater. Standing straight and proud while enjoying a show. But this isn't a story about that. It's a story of two people finding themselves.
This painter had a muse who he revered. He would hastily show her all of his works and valued her opinions. Critiques and praises alike. However, things were not as they seemed. The muse, however enamored with her painter, started to wander. She wanted to find a new painter who's art spoke truth to her eyes. She was weak from dealing with the painters past for she wasn't the first nor strongest muse. She was the one to heal the painters wicked heart. To bridge the painter from the storm he was in and send him along a new path. A long, winding foot trail to find the muse in his own heart. So she left.
In the initial time the two were separated, the painter created a most beautiful tapestry for his lost muse. It shone with oranges and yellows, her favorite colors because they reminded her of sunshine and true happiness. The painter and muse wouldn't cross paths for another year. The painter presented her with this work of art in a medium other than his own. It was his way of processing the affliction he felt when he lost her. At that point in time, the painter was just finding a small clearing in his trail. He was finding happiness in himself.
Over the next few years, the two still had a mutual admiration for each other and enjoyed speaking of the interests in their hearts, just less often. The atmosphere was found to be pleasant when the two spoke. You could sense the closeness they once shared.
The painter continued his trek down his wooded avenue, finding bigger and better clearings full of bright light perfect for him to set up his easel and start on a new work of art. With time, he felt less of a need to seek his adrift muses advice. The painter had truly found himself. The muse couldn't have been happier. That's exactly what she wanted for him. Self approval and confidence in his work. What an amazing journey for this muse to witness!
Towards the end of their story together, the muse sent a congratulatory post to the painter. She had heard word that he had found the perfect glade and better yet, this young, skilled & confident painter had found a youthful muse. One who saw truth in his art. The old muse was sad to think that her time helping the painter would now be over. She held on tight to the wonderful memories giving them one last goodbye & released them to the world. This new muse was perfect for the painter and to be honest, the old muse enjoyed being able to float around inspiring artists wherever she may go. Looks like they all lived happily ever after.

-Gayle

3.14 - realizations & thanks to the men of my past.

Ah, Pi Day. One of my favorite days of the year along with May 4th, Halloween and my birthday. I consider myself somewhat of a nerd or geek. I get big into certain science fiction shows & movies, and I've always considered science and math in general my go to areas of interest. However, Pi Day is kind of a bummer for me now. It was a special day in the last actual relationship I was in, not fling or whatever. Today would've been our anniversary. "J" is a sweet guy. He loves a terrible football team, he's into hockey and baseball, we met at a Super Bowl party. We connected right away. But in very different ways. I knew he liked me, I really cared about him, but more like a sports buddy. I tend to be friends with far more guys, either science nerds or sports guys. Due to this, I have a difficult time finding interest in the men if all we have in common is sports. Don't get me wrong! I love a cute guy who can talk & watch sports with me...but if that's all we talk about, I cant do it. I need someone that I can experience new things with, talk music, cook with, laze around in sweatpants all day and still feel beautiful. I certainly tried with "J" but I saw him as my sport and beer buddy and he was making plans 1+ years in the future within 2 months of us meeting. We didn't match up. We had completely different views. He wanted a family and and a farm. I want to live in the city and don't want kids. I had break up with him. I had to sit him down, look him in his big, bright eyes and tell him that I couldn't do it anymore. I broke his heart. He was shocked, hurt and tried to get me to reconsider.
Since we started dating on Pi Day, I have been thinking a lot about that and other relationships I've seemed to have mucked up over the years. Boy, do I have shit luck lol.

In this time I've taken today, I think I've figured part of the reason none of these things seem to last for me. Frequently, I care too much. I seem to like someone and put them & their needs first. One drunk call and I'm there to pick them up. They don't feel like driving across town, no problem. I might be on empty, but I'll make it. Not only that, but I've realized that I'm usually surprised that "that kind of guy" would be interested in me. I get embarrassed to look them in the eyes. I felt "lucky" that an attractive man would go for me. Boy is that some crazy shit or what?! I lacked confidence in all of those relationships. No wonder that none of those worked.

Those handful of guys need to be thanked. Thank you for retroactively showing me that I need to treat myself with more respect. Thanks for helping me realize I'm a beautiful, smart, caring young lady who deserves to be confident and happy. To the asshole who kicked my car, thanks for helping me spot anger issues in guys much easier. To the engineer, thanks for showing me how to be open and honest with my feelings. To the bass player, thanks for showing me how to be confident in my own skin. To the carpenter, thank you for helping me smile again. To "J" thanks for showing me what it meant to be loved.

-Gayle

Mrs. 207

I have had it up to HERE with my neighbors. They are ridiculous. In the past, they have parked in my parking spot, which I honestly don't care about. A parking spot is a parking spot, but let me explain a story of why that has been known to upset me. Take my upstairs neighbors in 207..their spot is right next to mine. 207 contains a married couple and two young children. The husband LOVES to park in my spot, so naturally, I park in his open spot. Well After receiving several notes in very poor English on my windshield, about 6 weeks ago the wife buzzed my apartment for ten minutes and then came and rang my doorbell and knocked on my door for another ten. Did I mention that was at 3:45AM?! I was hoping she would give up and leave, when it became apparent that she wouldn't, I answered my door. She yelled at me that she had to park in a visitor parking spot(closer to the door than her spot) because I was in hers and insisted that I move my car to the street at that moment. I asked her to stop shouting and told her if she went upstairs and woke her husband and got him to move his pile of shit out of my spot, I'd gladly move if that meant she would get off my ass. She refused and said that he deserved my parking space, to which I told her she could fuck off and closed my door. She promptly began banging on my door and shouting. I had no choice but to open it back up and face her. I threatened calling the cops on her for harassment and told her if it came to that, I'd ask them to inquire about the status of her visa. That shut her up. It's not everyday I can say I got into a verbal scuffle with a pregnant lady in my hallway at 4 in the morning & won.
Well, I thought I heard the last of her until a couple days ago. See, I'm a night owl by heart. So naturally, I cook around 11PM and take my nightly shower around 3 or 4 AM. Well, Mrs. 207 recently had her child and had no issue whatsoever to parade down to my apartment a few nights ago at 5AM to complain that my shower had woken up her infant. She informed me that she would tell management about my late night habits if it continued..as if management has ANY say in when people are awake/sleeping/working etc. I laughed at her and shut my door in her face as I have become so accustomed to over my time in this apartment. However dumb that request/demand may be, I thought about it and decided I could try altering my schedule. I imagine it can't be easy having a brand new baby in the house.
Well, let me tell you something! I just took a shower at 11:30AM, thinking I was being considerate, right? Not the case. Not only was all the hot water in the complex gone, but Mrs. 207 just strutted her fat little ass over here to complain. AGAIN!! Fucking bitch. Recap, I exited the polar waters of Antarctica only to have an Illegal-Alien-Parking-Space-Nazi-Overly-Black-Cherry-Scented-New-Mother-Middle-Aged-Non-English-Speaking-Door-Banging-Asshole-Of-A-Neighbor complaining about me taking a shower in the middle of the fucking day because it "woke up her baby." No! You having your TV on loud enough that I could hear it from the downstairs hallway is what woke up your baby. Get your shit together!
I only have 20 days left in this apartment before my lease is up and I plan on dedicating ALL of them to Mrs. 207. What's the worst that can happen? Get a two week eviction notice?? Ha! I will park in her spot everyday for the next 3 weeks. I will take showers between 2 and 5 AM every day. I will ring her doorbell whenever the fuck I want to. I will stop tip-toeing around to suit her needs. She is an inconsiderate asshole and none of our other neighbors have ever had a problem with me. Just her. Hell my next door neighbor brought me dinner on Christmas, my neighbor directly above me helped me move in, 106 talks to me for 20 plus minutes at a time outside with her dog, 104 tried to set me up with her nephew, 203 helped me fix my car. My neighbors fucking love me. 207 can suck it.
And that has been a rant brought to you by Gayle :)
Until next time, stay awesome.