I grew up being told by peers and "loved" ones that I was a stupid, ugly bitch. I was worthless and would never amount to anything. I believed them. It's hard not too when you hear those wicked lies nearly every day for well over a decade. It was a habit that was forced on me. I knew nothing else, so of course I thought it was true.
I chose to live a life sheltered from the outside world. I forced my mom to call me in sick to the school to avoid the bullying. I went home early at least once a week and skipped classes whenever I could. I hid from everyone, including myself. Why would I want to like myself when clearly no one else did? I resorted to day dreaming. Fantasizing about how wonderful I wish my life was. I only watched movies that showed kids having bigger than life kind of lives. Like Blank Check and Richie Rich. I wanted those lives..the mansions and toys. I was akin to the loneliness it came with, so sign me up! I thought.
In my dreams I created the perfect family. A family that wasn't torn by divorce. A family that loved me and treated me well. A family without neglect or abuse. I also created friends who would stick with me through anything, not that I would need them to because this wishful dream made my bullies kind and wanting to be my friend. Thats pretty much all that happened in my childhood. Neglect, ugly, worthless, abuse, taunting. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't treated that way by everyone. I had several family members who tried to be kind to me and a few classmates with good moral compasses. I just couldn't see that until much later in life. I was such an angry, hate-filled child. I may have backed down from my bullies, but I didn't fall down. Instead, I became a bully myself. I hated who people said I was so badly, that I became someone so much worse. I did the same thing to other children to make myself feel better. I wanted, no, NEEDED control. I would push kids off the top of the jungle gym. I remember kicking dirt into a girls face after I dislocated her shoulder and pushed her to the ground. I hit, bit and pinched people. Peers and teachers alike. I was a grade A terror.
Basically, I was a fucked up kid. I was mean to everyone I met.
My parents tried everything. They took me to lots of counselors and tried giving me more things I wanted to try and make me behave. Finally it started to take, but I didn't find peace until I was able to cast off all those dreadful misconceptions of me. I was an ugly human because I was told I was. I acted like a bitch because I was fulfilling what I was told. I needed to tell myself that I wasn't those things until I believed it.
That realization happened in 2007. I needed to change how I had thought of myself for 17 years. I needed to look at myself and say, "Gayle, you are a smart, beautiful, worthwhile person. You are capable to love and be loved. You don't need to bring others down to rise yourself up." That was possibly the hardest thing I had ever said up to that point in my life. I didn't believe the words I was saying. I thought there wasn't a chance in hell that I ever would believe that. I went several more years telling myself those positive truths without believing them. It honestly wasn't until my bad accident earlier this year that I believed I was beautiful and worthwhile. I realized how fragile and meaningful life is. I ran with it. I have noticed my confidence skyrocket. I'm not saying I'm self involved and can't walk past a mirror without stopping for a look. What I am saying though is that I have a new appreciation for myself and regardless of what physical beauty I may or may not have...I am a genuinely happy person on the inside and can feel it radiating out. I see myself feeling joy and I believe that is when I am most beautiful. I strive now to do things for others, even if seemingly innocuous I get a great pleasure from helping others and being an all around nice person. I try to listen, help or just be present for others. I enjoy doing random acts of kindness for strangers and light up knowing that I just did something nice for someone.
I don't wish for anyone else to feel as decayed as I did when I was being picked on, and I definitely don't want anyone to feel as evil or shitty as I did when I was the bully.
I know I can't take back my actions from my youth, but I can break the cycle..and that's a damn good feeling.
