Before the attempted suicide, I would ball up all that hatred and project it on others. I would curse at my teachers, throw things, threaten peers who bullied me. I stood up for myself, I protected myself. In the worst way. I didn't understand how my attitude was perpetuating all of that ire. I just knew how great it felt to release it onto another person. I found a sick joy out of seeing other people hurt because for that fraction of a moment, it wasn't me. I wasn't the one in pain.
After the failed attempt (which I now prefer to think of as a 'Success at Life') I was institutionalized for depression, severe anger and lack of rationalizing what inappropriate behavior was. I spent months in a high security facility hours away from my home.
During that time I was continuously monitored and corrected when incorrect behavior was used. Positive behavior was also reinforced with rewards. I had an amazing ex-military woman as my mentor. She helped me learn things about myself that I had no idea I possessed. By closely examining my life up until that point I was able to link where I was learning the bad in life and not seeing any good to balance it out. I was finding pieces to a puzzle that I didn't know were missing.
While learning valuable life lessons. I started to see the good in people and life. I learned about true inner beauty. I learned about what it means to care about someone, not because you know or like them, but because it is my job as a human being.
I've spent the last 6 years of my life applying those lessons. It's difficult sometimes to see the good in others or to put differences aside. I have improved beyond measure in this area. A fleeting questionable look from across the room would put me into full blown 'Bitch, I'm going to set you straight' mood. Now, it takes a lot to push my buttons and when pushed, the reaction is a grain of said compared to all the Earths beaches one would've gotten when I was 15.
I'm not proud of what I did in my past. That being said, I am proud of the amazing strides I have made, despite a couple traumatizing setbacks, over the past six years. I'm proud that I've been able to keep my cool for months at a time and when I do get upset, it's solved by a half hour cruising in my car. I'm proud that I can walk away from a situation.
That's what I attempted to do today. I felt attacked by a person I deal with often. It's nothing new, I'm constantly belittled by this person. They make snide remarks to me, are not afraid to rip me a new one with their opinions, but refuse to hear me out. I believe I am capable to make a positive difference in what we do but I am undervalued and over ridiculed. Today I had enough and excused myself to have a breather. I openly expressed that I needed to exit the situation to calm down.
My private space was disrespected severely and I became old me for a split second. It was mortifying. It was over as soon as it started. I realized what I had done the mili-second I said it. I am ashamed of myself for that nano second of time. However, I'm extremely happy that I realized that. That shows amazing growth. The fact that I can acknowledge that I was attacked and my response was totally uncalled for shows that I can be accountable for my mistakes. I was prepared for whatever punishment I would get, and thankfully, I can live with it.
I guess the whole point of this story can be summed up by something my mom said today when I called her about what happened. She said*paraphrased*: "Life is all about learning. You make mistakes and you grow from them so you can help others." Then she said something I wasn't expecting. I expected her to be very disappointed in me. She showed me wrong. She said: "Gayle, you have been to Hell in your life, I'm proud of how you've dealt with everything and the person you've became. Others benefit from hard lessons you've learned that I'm just now learning. What you did today was unfavorable, but you did the right thing. You exited the situation, I'm surprised that the person who followed you only got an F-bomb." :)
It's all about how you learn and move on. For me, I acknowledge what emotions I was going through, the actions I took, and what I need to do in the future. Now that I've processed my feelings, I can sleep peacefully and prepare to walk back into the lions den tomorrow.
As usual, I'm not going to re-read or edit this. These are my feelings and personal situations. I know some details are vague, and that's alright. I just needed to let some thoughts off my mind. Thank you. -Gayle
